Yes, the quarantine has left nearly all of us with an itch to scratch. By itch, I mean a good ‘ol pounding of the flesh. Perhaps getting that moment of clarity after getting your soul sucked from your nether regions can cure us all of our non-contagious ails. I’m so dry, I have regressed into speaking in this bad imitation of Victorian-era dialogue. I cannot fathom how I would react to a peek at a lovely ankle. Frankly, I am losing it.
It seems that I am not the worst victim of the case of the horny. Author M.J. Edwards has gone internet viral for her 16-page “viral erotica” with the foreboding blurb, “She was supposed to cure the Coronavirus. Instead…she fell in love with it.” She wrote her steamy tale titled “Kissing the Coronavirus” as an attempt at trying to pay the bills following her job loss. Despite the novelette’s satirical intent, some netizens weren’t on board with the whole I-want-to-have-sex-with-COVID-19 train of thought—whether as a vialed sample and the hunky mutant entity it turns into. One of the people who were critical of the book is gay niche erotica writer Chris Tingle, who is known primarily known for winning a Hugo Award for the book “Space Raptor Butt Invasion.”
He took to Twitter to express his disapproval for writing erotica that idealizes a virus that has been taking lives and putting it out while the pandemic is happening in order to make more money. He posted a series of tweets to elaborate on why doing so would be hurtful. Perhaps the most notable response from him is the release of his latest book titled “Chuck Tangle Pounded In The Butt By A Knockoff Book That Glorifies A Deadly Tragedy And Doesn’t Prove Love Is Real Then Accepting This As A Sad Side Effect … Making Wider Positive Impact As An Author.”
Now, Chris has built quite a cult following for himself these past few years and many of his fans have tried to uncover his real identity. Among his avid followers are folks who have been asking him for a tingler (a nickname he has given for his self-published novels) on coronavirus butt-pounding.
In a statement posted on his website, he wrote in response to the requests, “This will not be happening, as Chuck has a firm policy about not profiting from, or making light of, natural disasters or events that are harming people on this timeline. Of course, it is also important to mine humor and joy in dark and scary places, so Chuck would like to present you with these alternatives to promotes healthy habits that keep you, and your loved ones, safe.” He then provided links to free e-books of three tinglers that encourage social distancing.
“My Handsome Sentient Face Mask Protects Me Despite The Ridiculous Conspiracy Theories That He Won’t Also He Pounds My Butt” follows the story of Tyler who learns that his friend Mark “is an anti-mask conspiracy theorist, who believes protective face masks are used by Bill Grates to track your blood, and that wearing them will poison you with CO2.”
On the other hand, “Bisexual Vampire Unicorns Teach Me The Importance Of The Vampire Cough” is about exhausted doctor Buck Tangle who heads up to “a spooky old castle in search of vampires who might have an answer” to eradicating the “trotting plague, a virus that causes uncontrollable trotting.”
Last but not the least is “Not Pounded By Anything While I Practice Responsible Social Distancing,” “a no sex tale is of self-quarantine action, including learning safe habits, respecting boundaries, and doing your part for the health and safety of others.”
As you can probably guess from the outlandish covers and hilarious titles, you’re in for a fun and sexy ride. Are you up for some COVID-themed erotica tonight?
Art by Dana Calvo
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