Some years back, I recall, I was at the launch of a cult fragrance line rather provocatively called Juliette Has a Gun. The line’s founder, Romano Ricci, grandson of the legendary designer Nina Ricci, explained in an interview with cafleurbon.com that Juliette Has a Gun was a fusion of rock and romance. “Juliette is armed because she affirms her personality. Juliette stands for the romantic heroine of Shakespeare; the ‘gun’ is her weapon of seduction… her perfume, of course.”
And when Juliette didn’t have her ‘gun,’ she was still armed, quite literally, with an amulet in the form of a bullet-shaped case. Think of it as perfume in a bullet, portable enough for a quick spritz anytime, anywhere.
When I showed my boyfriend at the time my own little bullet of fragrance, encased in shiny, stainless steel, he thought it was a sex toy, albeit a classy-looking sex toy.
Indeed, it wasn’t such a far-fetched notion; sex toys have been getting the designer treatment since Tom Dixon created the sleek, luxurious and pricey limited edition Bone, a vibrator-disguised-as-art in the early 2000s.
Made of smooth resin and shaped like a Brancusi sculpture, Bone was clearly a reaction to otherwise crude, cheap, and commercial sex toys: dildos made of flesh-colored latex, molded according to the actual size of a porn star’s prized cock, veiny shaft and penile hood included; the crass silicone vibrators that sound like wind-up toys when you turn them on, or the balls and rings of low-quality rubber that you wouldn’t want anywhere near your clitoris, much less inside your vagina.
After all, what could be more pleasurable, in terms of self-love, than an indulgent, luxurious solo session with a vibrator so masterfully engineered that it fits so discreetly and so smoothly over your pubis, and hums so quietly yet rocks you so powerfully? A $400 orgasm? Yes, please.
Other designers have also tried their, um, hand at creating upscale sex toys. Marc Newson, for one, made Mojo, a breast-shaped massager; Mari-Ruth Oda—finally, a woman designing for a woman!—made Pebble, a rechargeable stone-shaped plastic vibrator “ergonomically contoured to fit the palm of one’s hand.”
Ergonomics is important. As Lelo, a Swedish company that manufactures high-end sex toys, states on their website, “We don’t simply create ‘sex toys,’ we design entire experiences and new dimensions of sensation to ensure you are getting the most intimate fulfillment that you possibly can. We take pleasure and put it in the palm of your hand.”
Swedish design means streamlined yet functional; Lelo’s products look like a cross between a FitBit and JosephJoseph kitchen utensils. Their bestsellers include Gigi 2 ($139), “a sexy pleasure product with a curved and flattened tip to accurately target your G-spot,” available in tantalizing shades like Turquoise Blue, Pink, Deep Rose, and Cool Grey.
For “exquisite pleasure both inside and out,” there’s the alluringly named Soraya ($239), offering “the intense pleasure of simultaneous G-spot and clitoral stimulation with the world’s most exclusive dual-action massager, redefining and enriching the classic rabbit vibrator design with that unmistakable touch of luxury.”
In short, these are sex toys you can display on your bedside table without going into spasms of mortification when the help comes around to clean.
Back in the day, as my friend C tells it, she used to keep her stash of gaudy and lurid-looking dildos and vibrators in a rainbow of colors and sizes tucked away in a box on the top shelf of her cupboard. Her overzealous cleaning lady decided to rearrange her cupboards one afternoon and discovered the box. She then proceeded to wash each and every item—the latex dong, the pearl-finished Rabbit, the Ben-Wah balls, the monster dildo, the waterproof vibrator in purple, the egg-shaped clitoral—and arranged them neatly on her dressing table. And she was beaming when she showed her Madame what she had done. C was deeply embarrassed but also deeply conflicted. She would have fired her on the spot had she not cleaned the rest of the house and ironed her clothes so flawlessly. Given a choice between the cleaning lady and the sex toys, she dumped the dildos and kept the maid.
As for the bullet the size of a mini-tampon without the safety string at the end, I told my boyfriend I was quite happy to keep it away from my body. But, there is, in fact a sex toy called “The Bullet.”
According to lovehoney.co.uk, “Bullet vibrators are famous for helping you achieve quick (and mind-blowing) orgasms, but the fun doesn’t stop there. If you’re unsure about how to use a bullet vibrator properly, the answer is that there is simply no right or wrong way—you need to experiment and find out what feels best for you.”
Just don’t go through NAIA with The Bullet in your luggage.
B. Wiser is the author of Making Love in Spanish, a novel published earlier this year by Anvil Publishing and available in National Book Store and Powerbooks, as well as online. When not assuming her Sasha Fierce alter-ego, she takes on the role of serious journalist and media consultant.
For comments and questions, e-mail b.wiser.ph@gmail.com.
Art by Martin Diegor