This January, it’s all about welcoming everything new with a bang. Preen is looking at the changing tides and how they sweep over us to reveal better stories and bigger adventures.
One day, most women will assume the role of a wife. Becoming someone’s better half, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, is not just an undertaking; it’s creating a wholly different life with your chosen partner.
With this, small and significant changes are bound to happen. Some of them you might already have preconceived notions of while most will be unforeseen. Preen spoke to two wives: Jackie Go and Bianca Dayrit, who got married at different stages of life, to gauge just how much one should prepare and just what exactly happens after you say “I do.”
Who you’re going to be
Jackie Go is a wife, mom, and blogger who got married early. She was 23 years old and finishing her last semester in college when she became a wife. For her, the change from singlehood to married life was uncomplicated. “The transition from being engaged to being married was smooth and we barely felt any difference, save [the fact] that we live [under] the same roof.”
Perhaps it was because there wasn’t a lot of time between being a college student and being a spouse, making it easy for Jackie to adopt to her new identity. She now goes to mass every Sunday like her husband and became more open to accepting his other habits.
On the other hand, Bianca Dayrit, a wife, mom, and legal publishing specialist at Thomson Reuters had a little peg for herself as to what kind of wife she would be after years of being a career woman. Upon getting married in her late 20s, she thought she would be a “cool wife.” She says, “[I was going to be] the kind of wife who hangs out with her friends and goes with the husband to watch sports events and action movies. I already knew that my husband and I share a lot of things in common so I thought it wouldn’t be much of a chore to transition from girlfriend to wife.”
However, Bianca’s ideas changed when she took her vows. “It was very different. I had to manage an entire household this time. It wasn’t just about having sex all the time or playing house. It’s a lot more complicated and fun!”
Assuming new roles
For both women, their actions and the reasons behind them were really what helped shape their new lives. In fact, action became the major focus of Jackie’s life. She learned that love isn’t just a feeling. If she could tell her single, younger self something about relationships, it’s that love is all about what you do rather than what you feel. “Acts of service, whether it’s your love language or not, [are] very important. I guess they’re what set a girlfriend apart from being a wife. The former doesn’t require it but the latter does. Serving your spouse in any way (cooking, giving a massage, treating him to a date) is part of the job. ”
Bianca echoes Jackie’s sentiments on being of service to your husband. One thing that changed about Bianca’s life is how she couldn’t devote the same amount of time she did for work when she was still single. “I had to stop working extra long hours for work because I have to be home on time to cook dinner. I was also very lax on chores before, but now I have a schedule of things to accomplish—from laundry to general cleaning and groceries.”
But for those of us on the other side, it all seems like mere subservience. Is there only one choice? That one must subscribe to a dated notion of being a wife?
It’s actually quite more than that.
Both Jackie and Bianca express how being a wife means you no longer think of just yourself. It’s all about how you choose to make decisions together with your husband and with each other’s best interests in mind. Jackie tells us, “[When you’re a wife] it’s no longer about you anymore. What was easy to decide on when you’re young, wild, and free can be hard when you’re married. Like traveling and seeing a new place to [something] as simple as what’s for lunch and dinner. In any relationship, no matter at what level, it’s always about give and take. Compromise, along with love and trust, makes up a lasting relationship.”
Bianca also tells us that being married isn’t just some societal structure with set roles that all of us have no choice but to fall into. She cautions those who might be getting married for the wrong reasons, “I think it’s stupid that people rush others to get married. I also hope people don’t feel the pressure to do so. It’s not the be-all and end-all of adulthood. It’s something bigger than that.”
No longer on your own
It is almost a given that when you’re married, a lot of the things that used to concern you as a single woman won’t any longer. Bianca expresses how she was often faced with challenges that she couldn’t handle on her own. One change she saw in herself is how she would look to others for help. “I think the hardest is having to consult someone about my decisions. I’ve always been self-reliant before; I never asked for people’s opinions. It’s not a difficult transition per se, but it was weird at first.” These can be from anything about their child’s future to what she and her husband should do for an upcoming special occasion.
Jackie further elaborates, “[When I got married, I realized] I could no longer be selfish and do things just because I wanted to. As an independent woman, I put myself through college and basically learned how to cook, clean, and take care of kids [by caring for] my nieces when I was young. Not being able to decide on a whim [because] #YOLO was challenging for me in the first year or two of being married; I had to remind myself that I need to consider what my husband would say or feel if I do this or that.”
A two-way support system
Still, the best thing about being a wife is having a two-way support system that will be there no matter what happens. “Knowing that someone is excited to go home to you every night and knowing that there’s someone you go home to every night,” shares Jackie on the best thing about being a spouse.
Bianca tells us that it’s also about valuing what you and your husband created together and honoring yourselves as partners and equals in every situation. She explains how her husband has her back: “[It’s good that he] assures me that I did right by him. It’s not that I need reassuring, but if I do something that may not be on the same boat as [my] husband’s, then I’m defying the purpose of marriage as a partnership.”
Just because being a wife means you have to think in terms of two, it doesn’t mean you let yourself go altogether. Jackie tells us that before getting married, you have to be secure about particular realities that you hold. “You have to be certain that you love yourself. You’ve accepted and understand the truths about yourself before being someone’s spouse. When you learn to do this, it’s easy to know if you’re ready to get married when the right person comes along.” She also admits that she hasn’t let go of her financial independence as she feels it’s still important to set aside something for yourself.
Bianca also tells us that though many things have changed, she is still free to be herself. “I’m still the person with the same quirks, only this time there’s someone who has a deeper understanding of them—not that he has any other choice!”
Jackie tells us that such support has made her into a better person. “I am different because I’ve learned to listen more than to speak, I am more sensitive of others than of myself and surprisingly, I’ve learned a lot more about myself than when I was single.”
In the end, it’s still all about choosing what and who you want to be. Being a wife will probably be one of the biggest transitions you may experience, but you shouldn’t overhaul your self-assurance and the identity you’ve built out of your earlier decisions.
Jackie leaves us with this: “You’re not a Stepford wife so don’t beat yourself to it. Your spouse married you because he loves you for who you are. [Though] you’re no longer available [to date other people], that doesn’t mean that you should forget to take care of yourself. Remember that in order for you to take care of your spouse, you have to take care of yourself first.”
Screengrab from The Stepford Wives