Every week, Preen tackles motherhood sans the rose-tinted glasses. Our columnists L. Juliano, Marla Darwin, Monica Eleazar-Manzano, and Rossana Unson tell their personal experiences like it is—at times frustrating, oftentimes confusing, but always enlightening.
I saw some friends eating at the same restaurant we were at. When we were about to leave, we stopped by their table to say good-bye. Before walking away, I couldn’t stop looking at their 16-month-old baby grasping a teaspoon and gingerly scooping pieces of rice into his mouth. It wasn’t perfection—not all of the rice made it to his mouth if the mess on the floor and on his little table were indications.
It was enough though for me to look at my 14-month-old and feel some shame for not stepping it up with her utensil skills. I still do most of the feeding, only letting her feed herself if she isn’t in destruct-o-mode. That’s what I settled with. This has been our groove but here I am resisting the urge to explain myself further and defend my choices.
I can still hear the voices of several moms in my head. The hardcore baby-led weaning mom would tell me to accept the mess as part of the process and to keep trying. The sancti-mommy would chime in and tell me that I was being lazy and setting up my kid for co-dependency. The mom voices can be found in parenting articles, but a lot of them also took form from my insecurities and resentments.
I’m learning a lot about making peace with my perceived enemies. One lesson that’s been sticking out is learning how to advocate for people you don’t agree with. It’s an effective exercise on empathy and it will allow for you to examine your own biases and fears. We let go of so much baggage when we move away from two-dimensional stereotypes and back to the people we all are. Below is my address to the voices in my head.
To the Crunchy Mom
You have a way of making me feel like I enjoy exposing my kid to garbage. I will not contest it because I agree with you. I understand that you want a better world and it infuriates me to no end that I don’t have it in me to give up a lot of my conveniences and creature comforts. Eating well and sourcing your food from good places is a worthy cause. You’ve seen the difference in your health and energy levels. I believe it because I’ve felt it during times I make green smoothies and used honey and apple cider vinegar for my sore throats. It sits so much better on your conscience when you make a lifestyle out of sustainability and I envy that.
To the Research Mom
I wish I had your stamina to digest so much information. I’ll tell you a secret: I can’t stand being the most ignorant person in the room. When I’m not privy to the latest parenting trends and scientific breakthroughs, I feel incompetent. I get scared that I’ll be a dumb mom who’ll be raising a dumb kid. Acquiring knowledge can be addicting and it can be the one thing you can count on when you feel like you’re losing control. I can’t fault you for holding on to that. I’ll keep telling myself that you’re coming from a place of concern and we should all be grateful that we have someone looking out for all of us.
To the Instagram/Influencer Mom
Instagram mom, I know online life is vastly different from real life, but sometimes I wonder if you have it better than I do. I’m usually okay with the fact that I wear the same five shirts, I don’t travel often, and that my apartment isn’t oozing with high ceilings and natural light. I end up doubting that when I see your feed. I’m a visual person, beautiful photography and nice things dazzle me. You take advantage of this and it’s no surprise why companies and entrepreneurs go to you to push their products and advocacies. I don’t think you exist to make people feel inadequate, but that’s how you make me feel sometimes. Maybe styling and curating your life comes natural to you and the feed is just a result of that. Maybe that’s how you feel connected with people. Maybe influencing allows you to broaden your world and open up another revenue stream. I have dreams that our world becomes less consumerist but maybe the answer is not to shut you guys out. Maybe we need to see that your voices echo our very human need for affirmation and acceptance, that our efforts to change the world start there.
To the Crafty Mom
I have a very special resentment reserved for you. I hate crafts. I’m a graphic designer who hates crafts. I hate mess and I hate making things that will add clutter to my house. Yet your magical bento creations, spectacular dessert tables, and handmade holiday cards make me feel like I’m failing my kid. I have nothing deep or profound to say to you, Crafty Mom. You’re the stereotype that’s making me want to step out of my comfort zone to try a bit more. What I deem unnecessary is probably the best way for you to express yourself. Crafts and homemaking is how you let your creativity loose. There is a special artistry in what you do and I’m guilty of looking down on that. It comes from sexist conditioning and I apologize.
To the Positive Mom
You have a way of making me feel like I’m all doom and gloom. It’s hard not to in contrast to your calligraphic Cheryl Strayed quotes, biblical verses, and endless baby pictures. It goes against what I consider good emotional health looks like (the full gamut of all expressions—anger, disappointment, frustration, joy, schadenfreude, etc.) Then I realize that it’s unfair to assume that your positivity does not equate to an underlying complexity. I mistake all the feel-good niceties as shallowness, which makes me… shallow. Maybe you have your own way of expressing your depth. It’s not my business and for what it’s worth, I could learn more from you when I get lost in the muck of despair.
May we all learn to love everyone a little bit more.
Signed,
The Angry Feminist/Political/Lazy/Millennial Mom
Disclaimer: The views expressed here are solely those of the author in her private capacity and do not in any way represent the views of Preen.ph, or any other entity of the Inquirer Group of Companies.
Art by Dorothy Guya
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