When Choosing Between Longganisa and Bratwurst, Does Size Matter?

There’s an oft-repeated story about a former Miss International who had a brief film career in which she invariably played the sexpot, often astride a horse. There was a man, French, if I remember correctly, who pursued her relentlessly, without success.

One night, our beauty queen finally relented, and, to the man’s delight, agreed to come up to his hotel room at the soon-to-be-defunct InterCon. Barely able to conceal his eagerness, he disrobed, at which point our naughty siren allegedly gestured towards his penis, squealing, “Ay look! It’s so cute! It’s so small! Ay! Ay!”

Defeated and deflated, Monsieur and his penis retreated, and he never bothered her, she who was once crowned the most beautiful woman across nations, ever again.

Nothing kills a boner—and crushes a man’s ego—faster than disparaging, whether accurately or not, the size of his penis. One doesn’t imagine anything of the sort happening to black men, who are reputedly generously endowed. Never having seen or felt a black dick myself in real life, I really couldn’t say, but I believe that it’s probably everything it’s hyped up to be and more. As the joke goes, two men, one white and the other black, stand at the urinal, hands on their flaccid dicks on which both happen to have the name “Wendy” tattooed on them. Whereas the white guy’s Wendy is his girlfriend’s name, the black dude’s tattoo reads “Welcome to Jamaica, Have a Nice Day” when his member is erect.

If black cocks are supposed to be legendary, pity the poor Asian—Filipinos, Indians, Koreans, Chinese, and Japanese included—whose penile length averages quite a puny 3.8 to 4.6 inches, according to a study of 80 countries conducted by Mandatory.com. Measurements are taken from the tip of the penis to the very bottom of the pubic bone.

The study provides, among other things, a useful guide for trophy hunters:

– 5.5 inches is the global average

– 7.1 inches is the average penis size in the Democratic Republic of Congo, making it the most well-hung country in the study

– 6.36 inches is the average in South America, making it the most well-hung continent

– 3.8 inches is the average dick size in North Korea, which explains the little dictator propensities of Kim Jong Il and company

– 8 inches can be claimed by only three percent of men worldwide, and only six percent actually need extra-large condoms.

So Mr. Hot Stud About Town, you’re not fooling anyone by keeping a packet of Trojan Magnums in your bedside drawer, unless having them makes you feel you perform better. At least you’re using biodegradable latex and not tiger bile or rhino horn or hippo urine or whatever endangered animal’s parts the Chinese believe increase their potency.

Of course, what they lack in length they could hopefully make up for in girth. This spells the difference between a medicine dropper and a hydraulic pump. A cocktail sausage and a longganisa. A pencil that slots into a hole with room to maneuver left and right, or the Stabilo highlighter pen stuffed inside.

Unfortunately, the Mandatory.com study has not come up with an international ranking of penile girth. Yet.

Considering how people in this country breed like rabbits, size, obviously, is not a deterrent to sexual activity. Penile length, it seems, has nothing to do with sperm strength. They may have a longer way to go, but good old Pinoy sperm still manages to swim up that birth canal and fertilize those eggs with admirable regularity and precision. Just ask Ramon Revilla, Sr. Or Joseph Estrada.

Yet I suppose that doesn’t stop Filipino men from feeling somewhat, um, short-changed when the women, especially the most sought-after beauties, opt to date foreign men exclusively. Which probably explains the preponderance of bodyguards and big cars. I wonder if there is a reverse correlation between that and their penile endowments?

But, as they say, it’s not about the size, it’s how you use it. However, think about the double happiness brought about by the combination of size and skill…

When I worked at UNESCO in Paris, we had a lovely Filipina colleague from Iloilo who was married to a super hot black American photographer. Interracial marriages are fairly common these days, but then it was still a rarity.  A gay friend of mine would remark bitchily every morning as we got our coffee that she always had a ready smile.

“But of course she does!” he would exclaim. “With that big black cock pounding her every night she must be in heaven! How lucky can she get!”

There is such a thing as too big, though. In How to Build a Girl, Caitlin Moran writes about a hilarious encounter between the protagonist, Johannaall of 17!and her first monster dick, which belongs to a man she christens Big Cock Al.

I’m wearing only a dark-blue nylon petticoat, and Al’s down to his trousers. I’ve just unzipped the flyand released the biggest penis I have ever seen. It takes two hands to get it out of his pants. I feel like a snake-handler on Blue Peter. It’s alarmingly huge. In my statement, I believe I hear it go “thump” as it comes out. The last time I saw something like this, it was at dead Fat Nanna’s house, across the bottom of the front door, as a draught excluder, with two buttons for eyes. There were boys I went to school with who had legs shorter than this.

“Blimey!” I say, agitated into speaking like a Cockney chimney-sweep on spotting a silver sixpence.

“I know,” Al says, with the lazy triumphant grin of the gigantically endowed.

One thing’s for sure: The well-endowed man always conducts himself with the supreme confidence of someone so bountifully blessed. He knows he is capable of leaving you completely dickmatized.

And another thing’s for sure: Make sure you have a lot of cranberry juice on hand. You’re going to need it when cystitis attacks.


B. Wiser is the author of Making Love in Spanish, a novel published earlier this year by Anvil Publishing and available in National Book Store and Powerbooks, as well as online. When not assuming her Sasha Fierce alter-ego, she takes on the role of serious journalist and media consultant.

For comments and questions, e-mail b.wiser.ph@gmail.com.


Art by Dorothy Guya

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