Every week, Preen tackles motherhood sans the rose-tinted glasses. Our columnists L. Juliano, Marla Darwin, Monica Eleazar-Manzano, and Rossana Unson tell their personal experiences like it is—at times frustrating, oftentimes confusing, but always enlightening.
Barely a year out of college and newly inaugurated into the rat race, I chanced upon our office’s consultant who charmed my panties off. In 24 hours, I was certain he was THE man for me. He’s a decade my senior, managing a startup business, and still living with his folks. A notorious playboy, and a brutally honest recovering alcoholic. The alarms were blaring with this one (that came with my mom’s incessant rampage about the entire situation, not to mention my friends trying to knock sense into me), but I kept my crazy-stupid-love helmet on because I was dead sure. I really can’t explain what I felt (dopamine?). When he proposed a year after that fateful encounter, I didn’t have second thoughts. Even if literally everyone I knew said it’s all emotions at that point, in my gut I knew. This is the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with—hang-ups, excess baggage, and all.
Marriage just didn’t scare me. Even in my 20s when I had barely etched a name for myself, I didn’t dread what everyone else feared for me—losing my identity, setting aside my dreams, and living up to a new role at such an early stage in my life. Marriage came as the natural progression after a year of being together. What I saw in him that they didn’t was this raw, real, passionate human being. And it’s this very person that pushed me to be who I am today—someone I’m very much proud of.
We’ve been married for ten years. The first few years were tough. We lived with his big family. We fell in and out of different vocations trying to figure out which ones fit us best. We were both passionate and creative, and a nine-to-five didn’t work for us. I was fickle and had a habit of dropping opportunities, and that drove him insane. But despite all that, he’s the catalyst that pushed me to focus on what I really wanted to do. We conceived a business that has blossomed into a successful and growing brand today.
Things just fell into place. We built our home nearing our fifth-year anniversary and I got pregnant on our eighth. Our individual dreams had its time to shine. Even to this day, despite our energy concentrated on our daughter, we give each other space to spend with our hobbies, friends, and the things we personally love. It’s this kind of respect that made me dive free-falling into this marriage.
The expectations that fuel the fears women have is what debilitates the decision to unite with the one you love. You’ll see it on TV shows when celebrities are asked when they plan to settle, and the answers are some iteration of “I want to find myself first” or “Career muna.” There’s the assumption that, as women, we are supposed to let go of our individuality, our personal aspirations, for a “higher” calling marriage dictates. If for women it has become an obligation, for men it seems to be purely optional. This patriarchal thinking is obsolete.
The fact is, if your man (or anyone) expects you to carry out a different role once married, then it’s high time to think if he’s the person to spend the rest of your days with. Just as we’ve come to comprehend relationships as an equal partnership built on respect and love, marriage should naturally progress from that. Unfortunately, even in this day and age, the two are still mutually exclusive.
This thinking carries over to motherhood. And without a partner who sees you as his equal, it’s a tricky stage to be in. You’ll feel trapped with norms that should be nonexistent to begin with. When gender roles command that you should stay at home, be the main caregiver, work but spend double time caring for the house and your child, and in your core you know you can’t be responsible for all these, you’re not being a bad mother. You’re being human. You have the right to demand for a situation that makes you feel more competent as a parent and an individual. Your husband can’t get away with this basic responsibility just because culture dictates otherwise.
Surprisingly, despite the strides we’ve made in gender issues, this is still a problem. Every single mom friend of mine, including me at times, have complained about our husbands’ lack of involvement in parenting or home management. And these are moms who feel strongly about women’s rights and are quite vocal about it too. It seems like the home, the very cell that shapes our children’s beliefs, can be excluded from the topic.
So, if your only fear of marriage lies in the assumptions of society and not on you and your partner’s capacity to see the union through, shake up the system and just go for it! It’s the foundation that you will agree on and build that matters, despite it being different from others, and it’s what will create a solid family structure your child will learn from. I know my girl is capable of understanding a big deal, and I’m happy she’s in an environment where mommy and daddy are equal caregivers who can do absolutely anything we put our hearts into. What a great idea to plant in her little brain as early as now.
Disclaimer: The views expressed here are solely those of the author in her private capacity and do not in any way represent the views of Preen.ph, or any other entity of the Inquirer Group of Companies.
Art by Dorothy Guya
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