Welcome to Ask Poppy! I’m Poppy, your go-to girl for all of life’s woes. And when I say ALL, I MEAN IT. I’m not an expert on anything except maybe for being me, which makes me totally qualified to do this.
Poppy,
I’m getting married soon but I’m getting serious cold feet.
I’m just 26 and there are so many other things I want to do before getting married. It’s like all the regrets of my earlier days are now coming back and I think I’m rushing into marriage just so I can say I accomplished something.
I haven’t told anyone this because I’m afraid to hurt my fiancé. We’ve been together for four years and I am sure he’s the one I want to be with. Just not sure if we should settle now. It’s not the loving him part that I doubt, it’s just I don’t feel certain that this is the right time.
Plus, I am not sure if I want to have children at this age. Children will surely hinder me from still going on that trip to go backpacking across South America. I want to have a small business and to still have nights out with my friends. But even they are getting married too and it’s starting to feel like I am getting left out of the group.
Am I just making up excuses not to marry my boyfriend or am I seriously missing out on something?
How do I ask my fiancé if it’s possible to prolong the engagement without hurting his feelings or making him think that I don’t want to be with him? Will I come off as callous? At the same time, I don’t want to give him a marriage where I constantly begrudge him for not being able to do what I want when I want.
—Kath
Howdy, Kath!
If you’re having doubts about something, or anything, don’t do it. Or at the very least, delay it until you feel that the time is right… right? You, my gurl, are still so young and you have so much to do, so much to see, so what’s wrong with taking the back streets?
Are you already deep into the wedding preparations? When you said soon, is it like, happening in the next few months? Maybe you’re just getting cold feet because the pre-game for a wedding is stressful. Not that I’ve been there, but I see it a lot when I watch Bridezillas—those women can really turn into monsters. Speaking of monsters, I was watching Shin Godzilla, the reboot of the popular Japanese monster movie. Hideaki Anno, the genius behind that crazy-brilliant anime Neon Genesis Evangelion made it. Unlike the previous entries in the Godzilla universe, this one was… weird.
I’m saying weird because it’s not really about the monster and it’s not a popcorn flick—it’s a film about combatting a giant lizard creature through the power of collaboration and a bureaucratic system. All decisions are made as a result from studying and analyzing the patterns of Godzilla. It was basically a film about the Japanese government kicking a giant lizard’s ass, making it such a glorious treat for fans of the lovely lizard. The focus never stays on the monster’s rampage. The action happens in board rooms and collab spaces as hundreds and hundreds of characters all give their best in order to guarantee that Japan stands a change against the massive destruction.
Of course, telling your fiancé that you’re having doubts about the marriage is going to be a real bummer, but it’s crucial for you to speak to him about the matter as soon as possible. That way, you can easily calculate the things that need to be done. It’s going to hurt him, but it will not be the end of him because you can still assure him that you’re very much in love with him, and that you want to get married, but not right now.
I’m pretty sure that he will understand, because our millennial generation hates marriage, apparently. According to this piece from Time, a bunch of us are totally eradicating the thought of getting married. Getting married is expensive and we’re still living our lives just so we can buy Starbucks every morning. We’re not all that financially stable because the economy is going to sh*t and the government is too caught up with their own misogynistic and anti-people sentiments that it’s bound to be impossible for us to “makaangat mula sa laylayan.”
Right now, you’re getting the pressure from every goddamn angle, Kath. You feel that marriage isn’t for you right now, you’re getting pressured from your friends who are married and/or pregnant. You just don’t want a baby right now because you still have sh*t to do. If you ask me, these are all valid reasons why you shouldn’t get married! If your fiancé doesn’t get it, then MAKE HIM GET IT.
I would often say to people that they should take more risks; jump down the nothingness and completely own it. However, marriage isn’t a simple thing: it’s f*cking for life. And you know naman our situation here in the Philippines—we don’t have divorce and getting an annulment is a f*cking pain in the buttocks.
So be like the peeps in that Godzilla movie. Sit down with your fiancé and discuss the possibilities that are lined up for you. If your friends think that it’s amazing that you’re finally getting married, tell them you’re not just ready yet. There’s really no other way to tell it to him. You don’t need to write a song explaining why you guys shouldn’t do it naman just to get where you’re going at a la–Lin-Manuel Miranda. Conversations are powerful and planning out your lives together shouldn’t be just any-any na lang.
Also, don’t feel the pressure of your friends getting married na sunod-sunod. Goddamn, it’s their stupid decision that drove them to do it. You can slow down your own roll. You may think that four years with one person sounds a little bit too long and that you have to get married na, but it’s not. There’s still so much you have to learn from this person that you’re gonna spend the rest of your days with. Have you tried living together? It’s really fun in a reality show kind of way. Like, you will discover all the deepest darkest things about your partner. It’s like diving ass first into The Twilight Zone and a lot of times it will be scary, but I think it’s important that people try it out first before fully committing until the end.
Kath, you’re not being callous, you’re just being true to your heart. Eh, if backpacking across South America, putting up a business, and partying is what you want, then just go ahead and do that first. You won’t be able to enjoy the luxuries of youth in a couple of years, so it’s best to tick those out of your bucket list before you get on that wedding carriage. Eventually, you’re going to get sick of the wanderlust and the dancing with your amigas because that’s what growing up will do to you. You have tasks to finish and lots of things to watch on TV that you’ll just end up spending your weekends at home, with the one you love.
But then again, I want you to think about the things that you want to accomplish, Kath. Those seem like things that you can do with your soon-to-be-husband! You guys can travel to South America (honeymoon, perhaps?); y’all can have that business together; and I’m sure you guys can party. Like, how is marriage going to affect that? You know what you’re really scared of? You’re scared of having a baby. Nobody wants a baby these days, so you guys should just wear a condom na lang muna every time you make love.
You need to have an understanding between the two of you and always find a way to make things better now that you have each other forever. You can easily say naman, “Hey, I wanna go out but I don’t want you muna, ha!” Just please, for the love of God, don’t have a baby just yet. Do it in like five or six years, after all the craziness in our land is over. Or like, really think about the having a baby part, but get married na siguro if you think that he’s the one na talaga.
Kath, nothing’s ever right naman talaga. You’re gonna feel like something’s missing or you could’ve done something else than do this and that, but that’s all part of life, diba? You can always make it work especially when you have a teammate that you can depend on.
Invite me to your wedding, b*tch. I’ll wear my Godzilla costume and stomp across the aisle.
Always,
Poppy
Got a question for Poppy? From love and relationships to weird questions you dare not ask even your psychologist, Poppy is ready to answer them all. Send in your questions to ask.poppy@yahoo.com or post your question over Twitter or Instagram with the hashtag #AskPoppy, and you just might get the answer you are looking for.
Disclaimer: The views expressed here are solely those of the author in her private capacity and do not in any way represent the views of Preen.ph, or any other entity of the Inquirer Group of Companies.
Art by Dorothy Guya
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