Welcome to Ask Poppy! I’m Poppy, your go-to girl for all of life’s woes. And when I say ALL, I MEAN IT. I’m not an expert on anything except maybe for being me, which makes me totally qualified to do this.
My dearest Poppy,
I am tempted to tell this guy I like to leave his current girlfriend. Yes, I am the other woman and he’s cheated with me at least twice. The first time, I didn’t know he was in a relationship. The second time, I knew about it and yet couldn’t resist the chemistry between us.
We talked about it, and decided we should just be friends. But I have this feeling that he’s just waiting for me to say something, that there’s a sure thing with me and he’s ready to leave his current girlfriend behind. I constantly find myself wondering what if.
What should I do? I am so unsettled by the feelings I have.
—Lana
When was the first time that you were truly disillusioned by the notion of love? For me, it was that time when I decided to see Mike Nichols’ Closer. It wasn’t particularly because of the film. I mean, sure it was heartbreaking watching such A-list stars like Julia Roberts, Jude Law, Natalie Portman, and that dude with an accent, be star-crossed lovers and just create this massive path of destruction, breaking hearts and all hopes of romance while Damien Rice plays in the background. But it wasn’t because of that.
It was because when I was buying my ticket for the movie, I saw this guy I dated with another girl. They bought tickets for The Pacifier. For a moment there, I wanted to buy tickets for that awful Vin Diesel movie, but then I wouldn’t have had enough money to buy popcorn. I would need the popcorn to recreate Mariah Carey’s “Heartbreaker” music video. I also didn’t have a girl squad to help me advance my feminist vendetta.
“Where is this love? I can’t see it, I can’t touch it. I can’t feel it.”
—Closer
Before you tell this guy that you want him to call his girlfriend, give his reasons, and to say that it’s not her fault, let’s look at the facts: (1) he cheated on you twice, and (2) yup, he’s still doing it. So the question is, why are you still doing it? You may feel special on the rare times that you get to spend with him, but what happens when he’s gone?
When it comes to love, my views are classic. I believe in A Walk to Remember’s tagline: “It all comes down to who’s by your side.” It’s Nicholas Sparks, automatically making it kadire, but it’s so simple and it’s impossible not to turn it into a criterion for romance. On the lonely nights that you spend after hours of toiling at work, where is he? Probably at home, jerking off to his girlfriend. Are you going to spend Christmas with him? Fat chance, sister, he’s with his family or his girlfriend’s family, or possibly touring all important families in a meticulously planned schedule that they prepared together.
It all comes down to who’s by your side. Unfortunately, you’re not the girl by his side—you’re the side ho.
I’m not one to praise your dastardly ways, but I applaud you for admitting that you’re the other woman. That takes gutz. You could be a Gutierrez. Lately, we’ve seen waves and waves of kabit-themed films, television shows, love songs—some of them accurate and some downright hilarious. I find them entertaining, all the bickering and tears, and shirtless shots of Derek Ramsay, but then they’re also deeply terrifying, especially when you think about the prevalence of these stories in our culture.
“Could you really say goodbye? Never see me again?”
“Yes, if you’d help me.”
—Brief Encounter
When we’re talking about kabit in our culture, it always ends in doing the right thing. In Etiquette for Mistresses, Kris Aquino did the right thing and she ended up getting married to Derek Ramsay. From what you’ve said, you have no intentions of doing the Star Cinema way of dealing with the kabit. You say that you have a feeling that he wants you. Well, right now your feelings are shit. It’s not all about you. How would his girlfriend feel? You said that he wanted you two to be friends. How would he feel?
Lana, you’re settling. You long for his touch because you know that he’s there, even though he’s with someone else. You may not feel the pain of him being with someone else, but what happens when the tables are turned and he’s cheating on you? It’s a vicious cycle of hurting and getting hurt. Hurt people hurt people.
In Brief Encounter, probably the only kabit movie that I would gladly watch over and over again, the characters felt a strong connection but before they even sank deeper into each other, they realize that they’re both married and with kids. The thing that I loved about that film is that it showed how the act of infidelity is such a personal struggle.
No matter what I say to you, you’re going to do what you’re going to do. Yeah, Lana, it’s in your hands. But remember that you’re not the only one involved in this.
“You need to find your home in yourself.”
—Mistress America
But if you’re really asking me, here’s what I want you to do: Instead of ruining their happy home, try building one inside you. You are so much more worthy than just being labeled as the other woman, Lana. You being swayed by the undeniable chemistry cannot hide that rotten thing between you and that guy. In your letter, you didn’t use the word “love,” which pretty much sums up my views about you canoodling with this guy.
For me, not getting the love that I deserve equates to no love at all. Love is richer, it’s deeper. Love is what drives people to leave lovers, not a few scattered sparks here and there. “Love is going to lead you by the hand into a white and soundless place.” Love is what is lacking from what you’ve told me. Thus, Lana, you must let go.
Wishing you all the love that you deserve,
Poppy
Got a question for Poppy? From love and relationships to weird questions you dare not ask even your psychologist, Poppy is ready to answer them all. Send in your questions to [email protected] or post your question over Twitter or Instagram with the hashtag #AskPoppy, and you just might get the answer you are looking for.
Art by Dorothy Guya
