Welcome to Ask Poppy! I’m Poppy, your go-to girl for all of life’s woes. And when I say ALL, I MEAN IT. I’m not an expert on anything except maybe for being me, which makes me totally qualified to do this.
Dear Poppy,
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years now. That may not be a long time yet, but my family already calls him “the one.” But here’s the catch: I don’t see a future with him anymore.
Don’t get me wrong, no one’s cheating on anybody―nothing dramatic like that. We have so many plans together that we practically sound like a married couple already, and it excites me to imagine a life with him, but during our two-year relationship, he’s been in-and-out of jobs and doesn’t have a stable income yet. My mom, who also calls him “the one,” even advised me that I should reconsider the relationship if he’s not financially stable by the time he’s (nearly) 30.
It’s like the fantasy that what we have is suddenly coming into focus, and I’m starting to question everything like crazy. Love isn’t gonna pay the bills, that’s for sure.
So basically, what do I do if I don’t see the guy I love as my life partner anymore? I know the easiest solution is to break up with him, but how do I go about it? I honestly feel like I’m going to disappoint a lot of people if I break up with him. Please help.
—Aya
Hello, Aya
Being in a relationship sure is scary, amirite? Especially when you have the specter of THE FUTURE looming over the distance, just ready to rip you guys a new asshole. It’s scary when you said that you don’t see a future with him anymore because I feel that this is the most decisive aspect of whether or not you should stay in a relationship with a fellow human being.
When you think about it, the future is just there. You won’t see it coming and there are an infinite number of possibilities just waiting in the horizon. Aya, you know how the masterful horror films are the ones that doesn’t really show the horrid creature or the serial murderer? It’s what make things scarier―the part where you’re blinded by what’s going to happen because anything can and will happen. I feel that, at the core, this is why you’re so scared—because you have no idea about the outcome of being with your boyfriend.
Dude, have you seen 10 Cloverfield Lane? It’s everything that keeps me alive! I really loved it. Anyway, in the film, Mary Elizabeth Winstead’s character, Michelle is constantly running away. In the first few minutes of the film that takes cues from Playstation games like The Last of Us and Unchartered, we are reeled into Michelle’s life, how she’s pretty much running away from the life that she had built with her boyfriend. Not spoiling anything here, but by the end of the film, she ends up choosing between fleeing to safety or helping reach the road to victory. Guess which road she chose?
Of course, the easiest solution would be to break up with him. That’s two years of romance down the drain. It’s fairly early and I guess it’s enough for you to gauge whether this guy is really the one for you. When you can’t see the one you love as the one you could share forever with, I think you should take a step back and analyze whether getting rid of him is really the best for you.
Based on experience, you can never really know a person until you’ve lived together. It’s when everything nasty comes out, believe me. I guess what I’m trying to get at is that you should at least put up a fight for this guy. Right now, the issue that seems to be the root of you becoming jaded is the fact that he can’t hold a job down. Honey, not everyone can hold down a job. The fact that we’re millennials is no excuse, but it’s just tough these days.
I remember being at a job interview with the head of the company and she got a whiff of my indifference to the job that I was applying for. “Is this really what you want?” she asked. “That’s fine. I never really knew what I wanted to do until I turned 32.” She handed me a task to further test my determination, but I was determined to finish my two-piece Chickenjoy na lang. After that interview, I think I spent the next year unemployed. She was right, though. Now that I’m pushing 30, I have somehow found my proper footing.
Aya, you are just witnessing two out of the many years in the life of this man. If he has been caring and loving you without doing anything that results to hurt, I’d say you have a genuinely good guy with you. He may not have things happening for him right now, but he will. Remember, it wasn’t until Volume 4 that Scott Pilgrim finally got it together.
Your mom may be onto something by throwing him a deadline. Try this on for size: Challenge him. Hey, if Star Cinema can achieve sold-out screenings because of their stupid marketing ploy, you can do it. Pinoys love a good challenge. Instead of breaking his heart into a million pieces, try and encourage him to find something that enriches his career and at the same time, pays for your dates. Make him realize that he has to achieve something not only for you, but for himself.
Aya, that fantasy that you have doesn’t have to end. You and him just to have to work a little bit harder so that you guys can reap whatever it is that you have sowed. And you know, love makes you want to become better. Maybe if you try and inspire him to move, you guys can end up living in those scenes you’ve imagined. You really just can’t achieve this if you keep on trying to think of all the ways that things could end, girl.
I’d say give him half a year to get better. If he refuses to budge from his life of nothingness, that’s the part when you start running away. In the end, it always has to be about you, honey. Don’t worry about those disappointed folks. Breakups are always sad, but living a lie is way sadder. If you feel that he’s not doing his end of the bargain, then that’s it. Game over, buster.
For now, don’t worry about the future, man. Charles Yu wrote this in his book How to Live Safely in a Science Fictional Universe: “Life is, to some extent, an extended dialogue with your future self about how exactly you are going to let yourself down over the coming years.” Ha!
Keep it together, Aya
Always,
Poppy
Got a question for Poppy? From love and relationships to weird questions you dare not ask even your psychologist, Poppy is ready to answer them all. Send in your questions to [email protected] or post your question over Twitter or Instagram with the hashtag #AskPoppy, and you just might get the answer you are looking for.
Disclaimer: The views expressed here are solely those of the author in her private capacity and do not in any way represent the views of Preen.ph, or any other entity of the Inquirer Group of Companies.
