Welcome to Ask Poppy! I’m Poppy, your go-to girl for all of life’s woes. And when I say ALL, I MEAN IT. I’m not an expert on anything except maybe for being me, which makes me totally qualified to do this.
Dear Poppy,
Call me Tam. Few years ago I met a guy in university. We started out as friends. Then the friendship escalated into oh-we’re-just-really-close or are-we-really-just-friends-or-more?
We were almost… almost lovers. Almost us. But not barely there. And regardless of the almost, he was my person. I know what we were… or at least who he was.
I eventually felt that he was drifting away. I mustered all my courage and asked him what went wrong. He said, with no hesitations and regard to my feelings, that he met someone. I looked at him straight in the eye. His smile sparkled. I knew then that my feelings were never reciprocated and that I have to let go.
I decided to stay away from him. Not suddenly though. I took my time. I did it so slowly. Then when I thought that the time was right, I deactivated my social media accounts, changed my number, and went on hiatus. I needed the space to start over. I needed to get away from him.
I thought by walking away, he would understand. He was the person I felt closest to, the one I would call in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep. He was my comfort zone. But he wasn’t just like that, he also made me feel warm and secure. I did not have any regrets when I walked away.
Two months after, our common friends emailed me that I should better check his Facebook. Out of curiosity, I activated my FB account again and checked his posts. I was alarmed and I was hurt. He posted on Facebook on how bitter I was because he was not in love with me. He posted a lot of things. I was so enraged about what he did.
After everything that he did to me, I was still willing to understand him. But at the end of a long day of rationalizing his actions, I have only come up with handfuls of dirt. I wanted him to bleed.
I am so angry that he did not understand the reason why I left. More than that, I am angry because it was him who asked for space and time. I am angry because it’s as if he was just playing with me. I am so angry because I never thought that he can be that selfish. Above all… I am angry at myself because despite everything, I still wanted him.
I reached out to him. We talked. He asked forgiveness. I forgave him. He did not mention about the girl he met. It’s as if she never existed at all. It was totally not normal that we immediately became close again, as if we never fought. But I let all my reason and doubts go. Thinking that everything’s going to be back to the way it used to be. My person is back. My almost.
Few months had passed and he started dancing to the same tune again. I still care. I still love him. I got tired, yet I let him be. There were times that we don’t speak with each other for weeks. Then he would appear again like nothing happened. I allowed him to do this to me. Then he decided to leave for good.
He said that he’ll be going to Hong Kong. I said “okay” and “it’s alright” to him. But deep inside I wanted to scream and cry. Why do we have to go through this cycle over and over? Why do I keep allowing him to do this to me?
Years had passed without communication, I received a message from him on FB. He wanted us to meet. He wanted to go on a vacation out of town and he wanted me to come. What bothers me is that he acted as if we just talked yesterday. Like he never did what he did.
I don’t know what his intentions are. If you were in this situation, what would you do? How would you react? Would you allow anyone to come back to your life after he ruined you emotionally?
—Tam
Hey Tam,
It took me a week to finish reading this letter because compared to other Ask Poppy letters, this one’s Infinite Jest.
Let me start by saying, “Ulol mo. Tama na ang drama.” While reading your Wattpad short story, reveling in the twists and turns of your romantic woes, all I could think about is you best sit down and play Auntie ‘Yonce’s Lemonade to further empower your soul.
First if all, if I were you, I wouldn’t have canoodled with his ass right after the first time he had hurt my precious, sentimental heart. I learn from my mistakes, and although I can usually fall prey to such assholes, I’ve toughened up enough to maintain a completely functioning bullsh*t radar. The said bullsh*t radar is my guiding light. It helps me see through a potential match and instantly know whether he just wants a squeeze of my lemons or if he wants me completely—rind and all.
You have to understand that this “vacation” that he’s inviting you to go with is one of his many, many ploys to (a) ruin you emotionally, (b) toy with your feelings, (c) get whoopee. Tam—homegurl, you know this, boo. There are no serial killers in the Philippines, but there are serial daters. They belong in the “Makati pa sa kuneho” category. Just like serial killers, they establish patterns such as (1) loving you, (2) hurting you, (3) rinse and repeat. You’ve seen his shit before and you know his ways.
And what the eff is up with the publicly posted Facebook rants? How dare you call him “my person” and “my almost” when he has hurt you before and is prepared to hurt you again? Tam, is this something that truly gives you pleasure? REALLY? Because no one wants to get hurt. We all want to be loved because it just feels great. We love to be loved and we love to be in love. I mean, sure, real love is not always perfect and it takes a lot of effort and compromise, but at least you know it’s real. The kind of love that you’re getting is way worse than unconditional love. It’s love borne out of convenience. You’re making yourself easy to love and easy to leave. You shouldn’t be an easy girl. You can’t keep pining for your “almost.” You are better than that.
I mean, you’re not trash so why are you letting him treat you like that?
Hey, everyone who is reading this: You don’t deserve having shitty people in your life. But if you elect them in that position even though their previous actions are telling you that they belong in the shitty person category, then good luck, guys. I’m moving to Canada.
Ask not what Poppy would do. Always ask what would Beyoncé do? Auntie ‘Yonce would’ve told him: Boy, bye.
I can be forgiving, Tam. Truly forgiving. I have forgiven many of my exes, a few of them now my unf**kable friends. Yet, there are those who deserve to be blocked on Facebook. I Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind-ed those motherf**kers because I do not want to dwell in the past. I Marie Kondo-ed my feelings and emotions and warm memories of them ugly exes because they do not spark joy in my life. They belong in the trash.
You know how you felt enraged after he let you down so many times? Take all that rage and turn it into a ball, wait for your hair to turn into the bright color we all know as jejemon golden, and use all your energy to Kamehameha wave him into oblivion. That’s the sort of rage that I would subscribe to.
Tam, you can be angry and you should be angry. I know that the world (particularly Philippines today) suffers through all these injustices and there’s nothing we can do about it. Meanwhile, we CAN do something about all the romantic injustices that you are living in. Start by blocking him on every social media platform that you guys are in. Don’t subscribe to his bullsh*t anymore. This also cuts you from any form of communication. Saves you from getting invited to random vacations. If you can’t find someone else, do something else. WHY DOES YOUR WORLD REVOLVE AROUND HIM when it can revolve around tacos and Chickenjoy naman? Jollibee is the only anthropomorphic Man-Bee hybrid that I need in my life. And he provides me great food.
Tam, stop dancing to the same tune. Dance to a different beat. Bet ko yung “Dancing On My Own” by Robyn. I would dance to that and have a beautiful moment with the pleasure of my company. Alam mo kasi, there are times when you just need to be alone. To Eat, Pray, Love, out of all your problems. Why don’t you try that kanluraning thing instead of wallowing? You’d be so much happier and powerful if you just leave those boys to play their games while you win in life.
Don’t be a loser, Tam. You’re golden.
Always,
Poppy
Got a question for Poppy? From love and relationships to weird questions you dare not ask even your psychologist, Poppy is ready to answer them all. Send in your questions to ask.poppy@yahoo.com or post your question over Twitter or Instagram with the hashtag #AskPoppy, and you just might get the answer you are looking for.
Disclaimer: The views expressed here are solely those of the author in her private capacity and do not in any way represent the views of Preen.ph, or any other entity of the Inquirer Group of Companies.
Art by Dorothy Guya