Every week, Preen tackles motherhood sans the rose-tinted glasses. Our columnists L. Juliano, Marla Darwin, Monica Eleazar-Manzano, and Rossana Unson tell their personal experiences like it is—at times frustrating, oftentimes confusing, but always enlightening.
So it’s that time of the year again.
When the sun sets at the ungodly hour of half past 5 p.m. and the Christmas-lighted city makes you feel cheerful but sometimes makes you feel sad at the same time.
We are not new to depression. As much as many of us want to deny that we feel it, the fact is, we do. The thing is, like most women my age, I don’t have the luxury of letting depression stop me from doing what I need to do: clean up the house, put away laundry, decide what to have cooked for dinner, get dressed, put on makeup, brush my hair and go to work to earn a living. I once saw a meme which I’ve kept on my phone to inspire me during times when I have the blues; “No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, show up, and never give up.”
It’s like a mantra that I say to myself over and over again. While I’m driving to work and the sunny sky looks gray and overcast to me. When people stare at me sans a friendly smile and I actually feel even worse, I just clench my fists and tread forward even if my feet feel like they’ve got a hundred pound weights tied around them.
I remember when I spoke to a life coach about depression. She shared with me that she also felt depressed at times. Like I-can’t-get-out-of-bed-depression but that she didn’t have the luxury to let it overcome her. I spoke to other friends and some family members who said the same thing. No time for depression. Unable to really feel depressed. Too busy earning a living, taking care of family, the kids, the dog, and so many other things that won’t get done if I don’t do it. Who has the time for depression?
I’ve considered taking medication at times. But the reason I am against such meds is because I will be dealing with the blues by giving it drugs to go away. It’s like bribing a thief not to steal from you. “Look here, I’ll give you something but just leave me alone!” So you feed the depression medication and it goes away but what if, what if you don’t have the medication? What happens then? I guess my whole point is that we have to learn to deal with it by ourselves. In any shape or form we can to keep it away.
My depression isn’t actually seasonal, it’s all year round but I notice it particularly during the holidays. How do I deal with it? Yes, there are times when I give in to the “luxury” (usually on a Saturday when I don’t have to haul my ass out of bed to go to the office) but at most, at the very most, two days is all I take to stay in bed, not brush my hair, not be particular about personal hygiene (yes, I know, gross!) and just wallow. After the two days, it gets rather hard to snap out of it, but there’s really no choice. Things have to be done! The wheels have to turn and even if I do the things with a little sadness, with some slowness, they get done and I get back on the horse again. Moving forward, however slow.
I look at it like I’m in a very dark tunnel. I keep my eyes on the light at the end. My arms are outstretched not waiting but heading for that light because…if I don’t walk toward it, no one else is going to pull me out of here.
Disclaimer: The views expressed here are solely those of the author in her private capacity and do not in any way represent the views of Preen.ph, or any other entity of the Inquirer Group of Companies.
Art by Dorothy Guya
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