Can the Obamas please adopt me? The couple continues to be an inspiration in their own way. Michelle’s husband, Barack (yes, that’s how he refers to himself, and quite proud. Men, take note!) recently talked about toxic masculinity during a conference in Oakland for My Brother’s Keeper, the foundation he established in 2014 to “unlock the full potential of boys and young men of color in America” through mentoring and educational programs.
Alongside another known feminist, NBA star Stephen Curry, the two delved into misconceptions and possible solutions to toxic masculinity which continues to prevail. It was completely eye-opening, and something everyone should definitely hear. If you weren’t able to, we’ve got you covered. Here are our notes from that discussion
The real definition of a man
“All of us have to recognize that being a man is first and foremost being a good human,” the former US President explained. “That means being responsible, working hard, being kind, respectful, compassionate.” Here is a crucial truth. Being “man enough” is not about power, or anything else—but about your values.
“The notion that somehow defining yourself as a man is dependent on are you able to put somebody else down—able to dominate—that is an old view.” He said. “If you’re confident about your strength, you don’t need to show me by putting somebody else down. Show me by lifting somebody else up.” Preach! Resorting to violence or any show of domination to assert manliness is an archaic view we should all just walk away from.
Racism and other forms of discrimination promotes toxic masculinity
Here is another striking statement from Barrack: “Racism historically in this society sends a message that you are ‘less than.’” He then explained how this contributes to the promotion of toxic masculinity. “We feel we have to compensate by exaggerating stereotypical ways men are supposed to act. And that’s a trap,” he pointed out.
“All of us have to recognize that being a man is first and foremost being a good human,” the former US President explained. “That means being responsible, working hard, being kind, respectful, compassionate.” Here is a crucial truth. Being “man enough” is not about power, or anything else—but about your values.
On men and strength
“The notion that somehow defining yourself as a man is dependent on are you able to put somebody else down—able to dominate—that is an old view.” He said. “If you’re confident about your strength, you don’t need to show me by putting somebody else down. Show me by lifting somebody else up.” Preach! Resorting to violence or any show of domination to assert manliness is an archaic view we should all just walk away from.
Racism and other forms of discrimination promotes toxic masculinity
Here is another striking statement from Barrack: “Racism historically in this society sends a message that you are ‘less than.’” He then explained how this contributes to the promotion of toxic masculinity. “We feel we have to compensate by exaggerating stereotypical ways men are supposed to act. And that’s a trap,” he pointed out.
Men acting out because they’re trying to compensate for something? Yep, that sounds about right. What Obama stressed further here is that it’s not a one-dimensional issue. If we dig deeper, we can see there are many layers to it, like racism and marginalisation in general.
The importance of communication
During the conference, Steph also brought up the need for spaces where men can be “open about their feelings.” Barrack then launched into a discussion on the difference between how men and women interact with each other.
As an example, he stressed how he often bonds with his “boys” to watch or play a game of basketball, but they tend not to talk much. In contrast, he said that Michelle “will get with her girlfriends, they’ll show up at noon, they’ll be talking, I’ll leave, come back three hours later, they are still talking.” That, he said, is the difference: the fact that young girls and women often create spaces “to talk about vulnerabilities, doubts, lack of confidence,” but men don’t. “It has to do with socialisation,” he added.
The role of cultural influences
Lastly, he talked about how existing popular culture can perpetuate these stereotypes. For instance, in hip-hop culture, men are often seen bragging about money and showing overly sexualised images of women. “If you were very confident about your sexuality, you don’t have to have eight women around you twerking… you seem stressed that you gotta be acting that way.” He said, “Ironically, that shows the vulnerability you feel.” He then pointed out, “I got one woman who I’m very happy with.” That right there, is the man of every girl’s dreams.
Photo courtesy of Barack Obama’s Instagram account
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