Welcome to Ask Poppy! I’m Poppy, your go-to girl for all of life’s woes. And when I say ALL, I MEAN IT. I’m not an expert on anything except maybe for being me, which makes me totally qualified to do this.
Good day, Poppy!
I just want to ask you about something that’s been bothering me ever since I knew I was pregnant. I had a boyfriend and we were together for three months. I can’t say how many times we made love but I’d always had my regular menstruation even though we didn’t use any protection, so I didn’t worry at all. But after one time, it had been a month that I didn’t have my mens, so that’s when I decided to use a pregnancy test. It turned out positive.
Here’s the catch: After we broke up, I slept with four other guys. I kept my baby and told him that he was the dad and all. He accepted my son and so did his family. They were supportive, especially with financial matters. Up until now, I really don’t know who the real father is. I already planned on having a secret DNA test for him and my son. But it will take a while for me to have it because of the money. I don’t want to look like a bitch to them, but yeah it’s true. I just want to ask: How can I tell him the truth and do I have to tell his parents and mine?
Thank you. I hope you can help me with my problem. I just need a piece of advice.
Oh, Baby Mama.
Let’s start with the basics: You should really use protection, hun. Not only does it protect you from a number of STDs, it also shields your womb from unwanted tenants. What did they teach you in sex ed class, anyway? Oh, yeah, right—not everyone here gets the privilege of receiving the right information about sex because the government just doesn’t give a flying fuck. The Church hates it, too. This is why instead of using condoms the proper way during intercourse, young adults these days would much rather blow those condoms up and use them for entertainment purposes during the UP Fair. That’s not a fun and fair thing to do, especially when people in the remotest of areas in the Philippines have ZERO access to contraception.
Did you know that we welcomed the new year with a 1 billion-peso budget cut for contraceptives and pills? (Thanks a lot, Senators Tito Sotto and Loren Legarda. Not.) Yeah, that happened. Still, I’m pretty sure you have P30 to buy the three pieces of condoms that you can use to sleep with three other guys.
Anyway, going back to your question, there’s really no other way to tell the truth. The truth don’t stop. It’s really coming. It’s gonna fall hard on you and everyone you decided to reel in with your shenanigans: your boyfriend, your parents, his parents–you’re all in this together.
In Tess of d’Urbervilles, Thomas Hardy wrote, “If an offense come out of the truth, better is it that the offense come rather than the truth be concealed.” The book, subtitled by Hardy as “a Pure Woman Faithfully Presented,” depicts Tess as a modern woman struggling with the old societal conventions during the Victorian period.
If you haven’t read the book, here’s a quick summary: Tess gets raped and impregnated by “her cousin,” and then falls in love with an angel who rejects her on their wedding day after learning about her sordid past. (As in, “You’re totes not a virgin anymore, ew, bye.” —me paraphrasing Hardy.) She then goes back to “her cousin,” the dude who raped her and allows herself to become his mistress, but she’s all, “Ugh, I don’t want you, boo. I want my Angel.”
So she ends up killing the dude and then runs from the law, straight back into her angel’s arms. They do end up together right until the po-po finds Tess. They convict her for her crimes and she ends up getting the death sentence.
It’s such a happy tale. That Thomas Hardy guy is such a chipper.
Hiding the truth is the easiest way to get what you want most in your life, but eventually, when the lies stack up, you will be left with no other choice but to confess what’s real. How long were you planning to hide this secret? All your life? Sheesh, it’s going to weigh you down. The wise thing to do is to simply tell the truth and you have to tell it once you’re ready for the shitstorm.
But when can you tell the truth when you don’t even know what the truth is? The secret DNA testing bit sounds like a really bad telenovela episode, but to me, it’s like a brave step towards your freedom from all this Hardy-esque drama that’s happening IRL. I see the chronology of events this way: Go get that secret DNA test. Save up and work hard to earn the money that you’ll need to get the test. Don’t ask him for money. This is your glitch, and you will find a way to un-glitch all this crap. I understand that the DNA test is hella expensive. (I think we only use it to prove that Presidential candidates are ACTUALLY Filipino.)
Once you’ve got the test results, it can only go one way or the other: He’s either the father or he’s not. If he is the father, then YAY! If he’s not, then this is when all your worries will begin. Talk to your ex and let him know about the results. He will be devastated, of course. I mean, after all the expensive crap you’ve put him through, there’s no way that he’s gonna be totes okay with it. It’s possible that he will be relieved because he’s relieved of his daddy duties, but you lied and as the immature schoolyard saying goes, liars go to hell.
I feel that there’s no need for you to tell his parents, because they’re gonna hear it straight from him. And they’re going to lash out at you. Not that you deserve that kind of treatment, but I just want to manage your expectations. Simply put, they’re going to hate you and their fake grandchild.
You deal with your parents last because they, too deserve some semblance of the truth. We all make mistakes. Your mistake is pretty fucking major, but family is family and they’re always going to be by your side.
While all of this is happening, I want you to remember one thing: Your mistake is part of the past and your past does not dictate what you can become in the future. If everyone else leaves you and hates you, always remember that you have a child and you have to work your ass off to get him the future that he deserves. You don’t have to rely on another man just to raise your son—support yourself and that kid, and raise him so that he will never have to make the same mistakes that you’ve made.
Past is past, bitch. Learn to accept your shortcomings and don’t be too hard on yourself. Oh, and maybe next time that you’re going to go on a roaring rampage of sexual encounters, try and use protection. It works 98-percent of the time, all the time.
I truly wish the best for you and your son.
Got a question for Poppy? From love and relationships to weird questions you dare not ask even your psychologist, Poppy is ready to answer them all. Send in your questions to [email protected] or post your question over Twitter or Instagram with the hashtag #AskPoppy, and you just might get the answer you are looking for.
Disclaimer: The views expressed here are solely those of the author in her private capacity and do not in any way represent the views of Preen.ph, or any other entity of the Inquirer Group of Companies.
Art by Dorothy Guya