This column may contain strong language, sexual content, adult humor, and other themes that may not be suitable for minors. Parental guidance is strongly advised.
This very eventful week before the “urine-auguration” was awash with revelations that exposed the true meaning of “Wikileaks.” For truly, wetly, and yuckily, the intersection of the Internet and grossness is Donald Trump.
In more ordinary times, the news that the incoming president of the United States likes to have sex with a steady stream of warm, yellow liquid would still be fertile fodder for memes. While it would be tempting to tell everyone to just piss off and let he who is without fetish cast the first, er, splash, these are not ordinary times, and when the [illegitimate, according to Rep. John Lewis] soon-to-be-leader of the free world’s sexual proclivities are tied up with espionage and hacking and electoral manipulation, then they become a matter of national security, however risible and ripe for parody.
As The Daily Show gleefully alluded, if this were a Bond movie, Trump would be “Goldshower,” a Russian asset, “coming soon to a presidency near you.” The transliteration of the infamous movie theme would go:
Goldshower
Beckons you to quench his yellow thirst
Drink water first
It’s trickling down
Trump, at any rate, IS a risible figure, albeit of the most terrifying variety. In the opening credits of the Daily Show parody, Trump is, of course, Goldshower, with Reince Priebus as The Denier, Kellyanne Conway as Another Denier, and Vladimir Putin as “Nipples.”
Inasmuch as Trump likes to call himself an outsider, he has become a politician. Even worse, a Republican―you know, the party that wants to deny Americans with pre-existing conditions access to healthcare, to exert control over women’s wombs, to dispense with an independent office upholding ethical standards in Congress, to basically promote a culture of corruption. It’s also the party that, for some reason, is so threatened by the notion of gay marriage and equal rights for LGBT, yet its congressmen are often the ones caught literally with their pants down in bathroom stalls being fellated by the very people whose basic humanity they deny.
The general odiousness of Republican lawmakers aside, the point is, weird sex and politics have always been willing, if furtive bedfellows. Trump and his golden showers courtesy of prostitutes is pretty tame in the scheme of sexual fetishes; in an episode of Sex and the City, Carrie dates a politician with exactly that kink. And while Carrie can’t quite bring herself to pleasure the city councilor aspiring to be city treasurer of New York City by drowning him in her warm urine, she gets unexpectedly dumped by him, not for refusing to indulge him, but for being a sex columnist, and therefore, according to his handlers, “not the sort of woman” an ambitious politician should be consorting with. Yet proof once more of that inescapable fact of life in this misogynistic world: a man’s sexual weirdness is less of an issue than a woman’s sexual history.
“Golden shower”―as a sex term has apparently been around since the 1940s, according to The New Partridge Dictionary of Slang and Unconventional English, which defines it as “a shared act of urine fetishism; the act of urination by one person on another person on another for sexual gratification.” Other euphemisms for golden shower include “piss play” and “water sports.”
A recent piece in The Daily Beast chronicling the world’s kinkiest leaders suggested that the more fascistic the leader, the kinkier the sexual proclivities. “One would be hard-pressed to find a world leader in history, especially a Trumpian one with despotic tendencies, without a closet full of underage or extramarital or piss-covered skeletons. Dictators and deviant sex go together like Russia and blackmail.”
Presidents and prostitutes also make a perfect pairing, it would seem. Berlusconi’s “bunga-bunga” parties were filled with underage hookers; his long and sordid history of sexual misconduct includes being charged with soliciting sex from “a 17-year-old Moroccan prostitute who went by the stage name Ruby Rubacuori.”
What I find striking about the revelations, if all true, that Trump gets off on getting showered in piss, is that he has to pay prostitutes to rain on him. Presumably it’s a kink his wife is not too happy to perform for him. All the money [he claims to have], and all the golden toilets in the world, and he has to pay for sexual gratification. And this is the man who bragged to Billy Bush about being able to get any woman he wanted, grabbing them by the pussy any time he wanted. And now it turns out, he probably could get any woman he wanted as long as he paid for services rendered.
Which prompted Seth Myers to joke the other night that Trump has quite a track record of reneging on contracts to pay for services rendered.
Trump denied the allegations, saying it was well-known that he was a “germaphobe,” contradicting his own declaration in 2015 that he was not, in fact, a germaphobe.
However ridden with sexual scandals Trump’s presidency is on track to being, the real obscenity is not that he likes being peed on, but that a man so deplorable in so many ways―in character, in his lack of experience, in his puerile narcissism, in his limited world view and lack of intellectual curiosity, and in his cavalier encouragement of racism, sexism and bigotry―is the man that will assume the presidency next week, crowned by second-rate artists and has-been celebrities.
And that really pisses me off.
B. Wiser is the author of Making Love in Spanish, a novel published earlier this year by Anvil Publishing and available in National Book Store and Powerbooks, as well as online. When not assuming her Sasha Fierce alter-ego, she takes on the role of serious journalist and media consultant.
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Art by Dorothy Guya
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