Ranking ‘Trese’ characters by order of hotness

This is what the ‘Trese’ discourse is missing

Photo courtesy of Netflix
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I want to say that I have a highly nuanced and informed insight to add to the “Trese” discourse. A lot of very valid points have been raised against and in support of the show. There’s the issues with the voice acting (and star casting animated shows in general), the unsettling good cop narrative (sure, the picture it paints of the police in the show is more nuanced than the very pro-cop comic), and pacing and dialogue problems, among others. 

But look, I’m a simple person. Sometimes I just want to watch TV completely brain empty and gawk at the characters. So I invite you all to appreciate their hotness with me. (Note: Some of these entries have spoilers, so I’ll be giving a warning before the entry itself when they show up.)

11. Nova Aurora

Spoilers ahoy! Yes, she’s a terrible person for ordering someone to basically leave her baby for dead and then murder her tiyanak in cold blood. However, you can also look at her as a beautiful and career-driven MILF who happens to be the worst person in the world. I’m not saying she’s a redeemable character; I’m just saying I’m attracted to her.

10. Maliksi

I know, you might be confused seeing him so low on this list. Maybe it’s because I was hyped up knowing that Manny Jacinto was voicing him (I watched most of the show in Tagalog but I turned on the English dub just for his scenes), but I’m a li’l disappointed in Maliksi’s design. He’s hot, yes, but he could’ve been hotter? His human form has the famous Jacinto jawline but that’s it. Honestly, his dad is hotter than he is. 

9. Maliksi’s dad

Three words: Yes horse daddy. I rest my case.

8. Hannah and Ammie

They’re hot, they have wind magic (imagine the suction) and they’re v horny on main. 

7. Santelmo

Yes, I know he’s a floating disembodied head. Still hot. 

6. Basilio and Crispin’s parents

(Spoilers!) Ramona, a rebel leader seeking revenge who has an actual war god as her baby daddy. Talagbusao, the said baby daddy. They could’ve been such a good power couple if only Talagbusao didn’t want to eat their children.

5. Crispin

(Minor spoilers?) Crispin is half-god, buff, can fight, has magical powers, and wears a dramatic mask. He also doesn’t have any problem following instructions from a strong woman, which is more than what I can say about most men. And, uh, I’m not here to say that fetishizing twins is okay. But I’m also not here to say that I won’t be open to being sandwiched specifically between Crispin and his twin brother.

4. Basilio

Everything I said about Crispin applies to Basilio, but Basilio has longer hair and is canonically more of a mess and therefore he’s hotter than Crispin (I like what I like). 

3. Emissary of the goddess Ibu

We don’t know anything about her, which gives her this enigmatic, mysterious goth GF of your waking dreams energy. Also, dark Filipiniana is a whole-ass vibe.

2. Alexandra Trese

She’s hot, she’s queer (bi hair), and she has the entirety of the Philippine underworld quaking at her feet. Alex Trese is such a good dark action girl protagonist, and you can see why she has the prince of the tikbalang simping for her.

1. The random aswang leader that shows up in, like, three scenes

Spoilers ahoy! Long curly hair, a useless cropped jacket, and a bad attitude? This unnamed leader of the aswang tribe shows up in a few flashback scenes from Trese’s past and I couldn’t keep my eyes off him (and his crew of hot aswang women). Shame you’re dead. RIP.

 

Photos courtesy of Netflix

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