Let me preface this by admitting that I’ve been in one relationship so far in my life—one mildly upsetting relationship. But that’s all in the past now. I was younger and semi-thriving during 2020 BCQ (before community quarantine). I compartmentalized feelings fast which was partly why I could handle casual flirting. However, 2021 ADQ (after days of quarantine) me has decided to join the single since birth club so I can start on a clean slate as my more authentic soft gay self.
While I’m not rebranding because I’m embarrassed by my romantic endeavors, I have to admit that I didn’t have the healthiest mindset back when I mostly considered being in a relationship with cis straight guys. When I think about the type of S.O. that I would have been back then versus the type that I want to be now, they’re very different people. I don’t want to come into a relationship still feeling like I need to prove that I’m interesting, worthy of being cared for and could go through desperate lengths to sustain it.
Wisdom of those who came before me
As a newly single since birth gay, I now look to the wisdom of those who came before me. Nolisoli content creator Andreiana Yuvallos tells me that staying single was a 50/50 choice for her.
“I’m partially single because I don’t really put in the effort to ‘put myself out there’ whatever that means, but also because all the people I’ve liked are just like ‘naurrr.’ There’s a quality issue in the dating pool. Every quality person I know is either taken or not into me,” says Andrei. “Right now though, I’m choosing to be single because the world is on fire and my main priorities are my loved ones, my job, and myself. Romance can wait, the bills cannot.”
For the people who can’t imagine themselves single for so long, you might be wondering what it’s like. “The worst thing is probably when I get sick and I just want someone to baby me. I’m a very affectionate person, so not having someone around to take care of me kind of sucks,” Andrei admits. “The best thing is I get to do whatever I want to do without having to check in with someone else. There’s so much independence and discovery to be had as a single person. It’s a lot of fun and I’ve been this way my whole life, so I’m going to need to meet someone that goes beyond the bare minimum for me to even consider entering a relationship.”
Another friend Pau tells me that being single wasn’t really her choice, if we don’t count how she hasn’t been interested in the guys who have tried to ask her out. But she says that she’s come to terms with it at this point in her life. “The worst thing is just literally having nothing to talk about when the topic of conversation falls on relationship experiences,” says Pau.
Is there a silver lining? “One of the good things about being single since birth is not having to waste time (and resources!) on people who weren’t worth it in the end. While those definitely could’ve been learning experiences, I’d like to think that it’s something I’ve vicariously learned through my friends (and ‘almosts’) anyway,” she explains. “Looking back on who I was five or 10 years ago, I think that past me wouldn’t have known what she would’ve really wanted and was probably still too immature to care for another person. I just like to think that I know better now despite (still) being single all these years.”
Being single since birth isn’t the flaw the media has been peddling it as. Maybe it’s time we took a little more pride in our lack of relationship experience. The number of relationships you’ve had isn’t proof of maturity. There is just as much self-awareness and self-discovery in being single—maybe even more.