[Warning: Spoilers ahead.]
“Succession” is a foul-mouthed show full of terrible people—and it’s the best that TV has to offer. Sure, I’d love to chat about the nuances of the power plays by all the corporate and political overlords involved with the fictional right-wing media, entertainment, and parks/cruises conglomerate Waystar Royco. I’d love to wax poetic about the art of sh*t-talking and microexpressions fiesta we get to see when the characters are grovelling or trying to one-up each other. But those are what HBO’s “Succession” podcast is already for. So, instead, I’m here to answer this question: Who is the hottest character on the show?
Season three has taken a number of turns that has jumbled up my personal rankings. The latest episode ended with Waystar Royco’s presidential endorsement for a Republican neo-Nazi. Suffice to say, it was a big turn-off. There’s only so much evil that my thirst can ward off, you know? On with the rankings!
Honorable mentions: Nan Pierce and Marcia Roy
Allow me to start with the honorable mentions before I proceed with my top 10 picks. The women of “Succession” are mostly sidelined in the midst of all the white cis male pissing matches in the show. Despite that, Pierce Media matriarch Nan Pierce (Cherry Jones) and freakishly devoted but ruthless Marcia Roy (Hiam Abbass) are able to keep much of their dignity intact. We love women who refuse to be played by Logan Roy.
10. Immovable object Logan Roy
Speaking of the devil, Logan Roy’s (Brian Cox) appeal is his money and how he might make for a good dad if he wasn’t so obsessed with manipulating his kids. He has the magnetism of a cult leader too. Would I laugh if he showed me an old-school meme on his phone? I might feel compelled to. Would I eat sh*t for his racist ass if he straight-up asked me to? My reply to him would be his own adage: F*ck off.
9. Tax evader Connor Roy
Sorry, Conheads. I just don’t think I could stand having long conversations with presidential aspirant and sugar daddy Connor Roy (Alan Ruck). If you can buy Napoleon’s penis, you can pay taxes. I also wouldn’t want to be peddled to handsy potential donors. But I have to say, when I saw a tweet that said he kind of resembles old Keanu Reeves, I agreed. Cameron from “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” grew up to be daddy material.
8. Berry Schneider and Comfrey of PR
Sure, Kendall Roy’s PR specialists Berry Schneider (Jihae) and Comfrey (Dasha Nekrasova) hardly have any lines since Kendall likes listening to himself talk too much. But from what I’ve seen they’re both beautiful and competent. IRL though, I’d only bat for singer Jihae and wouldn’t go near Nekrasova’s hodgepodge political provocateuring on the “Red Scare” podcast.
7. KenStew, but mostly Stewy Hosseini
Before Team Kendall crucifies me for not getting “it,” I think we can all agree that heir inapparent Kendall “Wokestar Royco” Roy (Jeremy Strong) is reaching his limit of self-owns this season. Just work on your “L to the OG” mixtape and recognize the sexual tension when you’re bantering with private equity investor Stewy Hosseini (Arian Moayed) and his gorgeous facial hair. For a guy who dropped the sick burn “You should save that for Vanity Fair, bro,” Stewy is way too attached to Ken. You deserve better than him.
6. Atty. Lisa Arthur
Lisa Arthur (Sanaa Lathan) is the only character that talked some sense into Kendall and for that, she got booted off as his defense lawyer. Well, good for her. She doesn’t need him to tarnish her image as a high-profile feminist lawyer who makes billionares cower. Her hair is amazing, she has powerful connections, and she can rock thick-framed glasses. Your loss, Kendall!
5. Backless sweater-loving Siobhan Roy
President of domestic operations Siobhan Roy (Sarah Snook) may be a terrible wife but she has great style—and her Ivanka Trump-esque power bob suits her. Every episode, I go crazy over her turtleneck and high-waisted trousers combos, monochrome suits, and backless sweaters. It’s too bad that no matter how expensive and hot she looks, she still isn’t taken seriously. Was “selling out” worth it, Shiv? You can cry on my shoulder and I would be flattered if you invited me to a threesome.
4. Assistant god Jess Jordan
All hail Jess Jordan (Juliana Canfield)! Entitled Kendall wouldn’t be able to function without his assistant extraordinaire Jess. I have no idea how she’s able to translate Ken-speak so fast, but she deserves a raise for it. She gets away with looking so done and saying no sometimes because she’s earned the respect of some of the worst people on Earth. She’s a bit of an enigma and I just want to whisk her away for it.
3. Pre-season 3 episode 6 Roman Roy
The youngest of the Roys, Roman (Kieran Culkin), is like a piñata filled with trauma and issues. Among the Roys, his therapy bill is probably the highest. He chooses to play this off with his louche (I learned this word from HBO) behavior and it’s extremely hard not to like him, especially when he’s constantly cracking jokes. He’s the only one besides Logan who actually cares about their family. But when he started eye-f*cking far-right congressman Jeryd Mencken (Justin Kirk), he went on a free fall on my list. Please find someone else to dominate you if Gerri isn’t available. Why’d you let Tabitha go?
2. TomGreg, but mostly Tom Wambsgans at this point
What is “Succession” without its biggest ship: TomGreg. The love-hate relationship between Shiv’s beta-male husband and Waystar’s legal punching bag Tom Wambsgans (Matthew Macfadyen) and turncoat Roy cousin Greg Hirsch (Nicholas Braun) is delicious. Is there a more romantic line on the show than “I’d castrate and marry you in a heartbeat”? I don’t think so. But their relationship seems to be taking a dive as Greg tries to sue Greenpeace and asks Tom to be his jail-time scapegoat. I saw it coming, but I was hoping they’d have more time together as each other’s “safe space.” Tom gets bonus points for being the only one with a functioning conscience and his love for gastronomy.
1. CEO Gerri Kellman
Excuse me? Sorry. Mommy? Sorry. Mommy? General counsel and interim CEO Gerri Kellman (J. Smith-Cameron) is the baddest b*tch. She doesn’t get flustered and she knows what needs to be done. The Roys can keep on fighting to be chair but we all know that Gerri is the smartest and most capable person in the company. Every flirtatious repartee she has with Roman is riveting. (ICYDK, Smith-Cameron and Culkin jokingly call each other “mummy girlfriend” and “baby man” on set.) Every side-eye and smirk is sexy. Praying for the Roy family’s downfall so my queen can take the throne.
Do you agree with my ranking?
Photo courtesy of HBO and “Succession’s” social media pages
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