Welcome to Ask Poppy! I’m Poppy, your go-to girl for all of life’s woes. And when I say ALL, I MEAN IT. I’m not an expert on anything except maybe for being me, which makes me totally qualified to do this.
Dear Poppy,
Am I bad person? I think I am because I am so sick and tired of my best friend. In the silent way you drift apart from other people, I haven’t approached her as often as I used to.
It’s started a year or so ago when she dated my ex. She dated my ex for around six months, before dumping him for another guy. I wasn’t bothered so much about the idea of my ex and her actually, what bothered me was how they sent me “We’re so sorry if you were hurt by our relationship,” “We cared about you and talked about you often” messages. I felt like a charity case. I felt like some loser with this couple going high and mighty thinking I need their pity. I told them about it but it’s been done. I still feel like I will never be able to make them understand how that feels so condescending.
Coming from a best friend, it’s hurtful, single or not. Relationship or not. Since then, I haven’t really felt any effort from her to be there for me. Every other week, I see her posts with her boyfriend. And so on and so forth. It bothered me because whatever happened to having time for the person who’s been her friend for five years. What happened to being there for me when I need someone? I have other friends in relationships, but I have never felt bad about being single except around her. I have never been opposed to the idea of being a third wheel, heck, I have done it all my life, except when it comes to her.
I guess I’ve just been really hurt of how she made me feel like I need pity. I thought she knew me better than that. Of course, I could just be a crybaby jealous of another. That’s why I am writing to you. What do you think, Poppy?
Thanks!
—Cora
Hello, Cora,
You are not a bad person. Old wisdom handed down from generation to generation have told us one thing: Ex-boyfriends are just off limits to friends. I mean, that’s just like the rules of feminism.
There are two things that I want you to learn from this brouhaha, Cora: 1. There are people who are going to be swallowed whole by their consuming relationships, and 2. You are not the victim of your “best friend” and her sick little games.
If there’s one thing I learned about growing up, it’s that people can really drift apart. I know this because I am guilty of this, Cora. Like, truth be told, I just do not have enough time to make chika and have drinks, or hang around people’s homes to watch YouTube videos of Korean Idol groups eating copious amounts of food. I thrived on that environment years ago, back when I would videotape me and my friends doing bong hits and then leaving the said tape inside the camcorder, which, of course, my mother will use the next day for my little brother’s graduation, leaving her to examine the footage, and then watching the footage in horror, which in the dark seemed like her daughter was doing shabu.
Of course, you learn from that. Because that sh*t is stupid and would probably leave you dead had it happened in Pilipinas 2016. Of course, Cora, you grow up. It’s the only consistent thing that I know of and I know that it might be delayed for some, but it will happen.
I didn’t really feel grown up right until the love of my life asked me to live together. I had to leave my mom behind, who at this point was still harboring thoughts that I was doing shabu. Like, it was pretty life-altering. But, you know I was consumed by love and the possibility to stand on my own and walk around the house without wearing a bra! Shet, sarap.
I was talking about people being consumed by their own relationships because here I am! Ha! Living proof that yes, humans can and will drift apart if you have another human being that deserves (or demands) your full attention. Cora, you know how in those cheesy wedding videos the bride or groom would usually say, “You’re my best friend,” and they break down, absolutely in #huhubels, and the camera pans around the rest of the Church to get everyone’s reaction. It’s a f**king cheese fest, but there is some truth in that. When you’re in a relationship, you tend to be super best friends with that other person that you’re in a relationship with. Which then voids your best friend-hood with said person in a relationship. If it feels like you’re the third wheel, it’s because YOU ARE the third wheel.
So yeah, when I moved in with another person and this person started seeing “my everything,” it just felt natural that we get all cooped up inside this cocoon. I mean, there are couples that are very outgoing, but we’re just not the type. We like staying in. We hate it when people talk during the movies. We just don’t like big crowds and prefer to watch the evening news and make fun of those stupid commercials. I have essentially dedicated the song “When I Said I Wanted to Be Your Dog” by Jens Lekman to this person because the line “You’re my only friend” rings true until the end of time.
Cora, you just gotta depend on yourself. I know she’s your best friend but you also have to remember that she’s pretty much a b*tch. She dated your ex-boyfriend and then made you feel bad that they dated and now she does not care about you. Gurl, you have gots to move on. The way you’re sounding now, it looks like you’re playing the victim. Cora, you do not have to play this role in their narrative. You have to refuse. You just need to find better friends, really.
I really think that people need to understand that when you’re in a relationship, it can really consume you especially if you’re pretty much in it for the long run. You, my dear, need to pick yourself up and make damn sure that you rid yourself of your co-dependence with your ex-best friend who dated your ex-boyfriend. She’s out somewhere else being co-dependent with someone else. That someone isn’t you.
Kaya mo yan, Cora.
Always,
Poppy
Got a question for Poppy? From love and relationships to weird questions you dare not ask even your psychologist, Poppy is ready to answer them all. Send in your questions to [email protected] or post your question over Twitter or Instagram with the hashtag #AskPoppy, and you just might get the answer you are looking for.
Disclaimer: The views expressed here are solely those of the author in her private capacity and do not in any way represent the views of Preen.ph, or any other entity of the Inquirer Group of Companies.
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